Why Trial Version??? (The Story Behind)

I know it's weird for others to hear this kind of relationship, The Trial Version. Some say it's somehow degrading because it's just trial, just like a game, a play, a joke...but for me, it's really not. It's an insult if someone would accuse me of those. I don't really want to involve myself in this game of love, they say. And, I don't treat love as a game either. It's very sacred and holy for it's undeniably unexplainable. I have experienced flying because of happiness as I stay in love. I have also experienced hell as I get myself being tormented because of heart break. Clearly, I don't  play with anyone else's hearts...unless they deserve it. 

Love is complicated. Being in a relationship and being in love is unmistakably different. They say "Girls are complicated." I say "Even guys are complicated."

I have encountered different kinds of guys, some were good, others were trying their best to be good for you, some were too good to be true, others are feelers to think they were that good. Sometimes, they also think they were not good enough (bitter), others are only good when they were in front of you. I don't know what to think. These were just some of them. I know for sure, I'll meet more kinds of guys in the future.

I feel guilty every time I knew a guy cried and I'm the reason behind. More to that, the guilty feeling is like 5 - 10x more when he cries in front of you. And, you cannot do anything...more like, you have no idea what to do. 

One of the most unforgettable line a guy told me was, "Guys are crazy."
That was a line coming from my ultimate crush (before) and at the same time, the handsomest guy I dated. He was so kind to me but people judge him as a bad guy. Well, I don't blame them because of his deeds but I still believe that he's kind. We're good friends now. I even help him sometimes in his business knowing the fact that he impregnated his girlfriend...for sure, he needs money. And, their daughter is so beautiful I can say.

Guys are so unpredictable too. Some got very high pride, while others leave no pride at all for themselves. Both are dangerous. Balance is really important.

I can say these because of the different experiences I had from the past. But for the record, I had only one real boyfriend so far. But thousand memoir of heart breaks. Cool right? Haha. I can say, my first relationship taught me millions of lessons about what to do and what not to do during such. I know we didn't have a very good and happy ending in our love story but I'm proud that we're still friends...good friends. 

They say first love never dies. I don't know if it's true or what's the real meaning of that. All I know is that I have moved on. I was able to move on but I admit that it took me quite a period of time to say that. First love. First heart break. First sacrifices. First betrayal. First gaining back of trust. First break up. First reconciliation. First time to dedicate own poems and songs. He was like an achievement, an accomplishment...for he was so ideal. Popular. Intelligent. Handsome. Singer. Dancer. Artist. Painter. Idol. He was like every girl's dream. But then, all of these taught me that..being with the ideal one doesn't mean experiencing the happiness that you deserve. As I was scanning my old diary, I've read a page about him...which I read a poem short poem for him..

You're such a good son,

You're such a good brother.

You're such a good friend,

And even a follower.

Lots of people like you

and want to to be their admirer.

But when can I say,

You're such a good lover.

A guy once told me, "Go for someone you can call 'mine' rather than 'ideal'. Someone who is willing to fight for you..." (He's a different guy and he told me this during my first relationship) I was too young to understand him that time. But right now, I can say, time proved him right. I know it's fun to imagine an ideal guy and an ideal relationship. But I learned it the hard way that setting ideals and standards was pointless. Because in reality, when true love strikes, you'll just accept him for who he is and all those standards will be gone. You'll just love him the way he is and enjoy the all your moments together.

There is this guy whom I can refer to as super true friend. We were classmates since Grade 2. Clearly, I know him very much. I know the girls he had played. I know how stupid he is. I know how amazing how amazing he is when it comes to practicality in life. I know how good he can climb a mango tree. I know the reasons every time he got suspended in our school. I know how much he loves this certain girl. I know how sweet he is. I know how he plays his cards. I know how industrious he is. I know how respectful he is to his Mom and siblings. I know his humor. I totally know him, not everything about him but enough to say, I know his good and bad side. But I don't know how our friendship turned into deep love. I have lots of theories about it. Maybe because we were so close that we fell to each other. Maybe because I'm one of his love story fan when it comes to this girl which I really like for him, I used to advice him actually to settle his love problems. I don't know what's the real reason behind why friendship turned into love.

One day, we cleared the things between us. I was under a deal with a friend that time. A deal wherein I have to not enter into a relationship or else I'll lose the deal. Consequence: like a slave for one day. Hmm. After my first illegal relationship, I decided to open everything to my family. So there it went, he goes to our house to visit-- traditional thing. But I was clear with my feelings, I love him. No doubt. But my father said I have to think a million times before saying "Yes." And I did. I know I was still under the deal that time and it's hard for me to accept that I'll be losing. Soon, my father said, "You're free to accept him by third year college." Of course, I was like "What??? That's too long to wait. Before, you told me I am free by 3rd year high school and now additional four years? What kind of joke is this?" But then I respect my father. So we planned on waiting for 3rd year college. I was 4th year high school time , practicing for graduation. 

So it was set. Third year college. We were very determined to wait. We love each other that much that we always spend time together...minimum of 6 hours a day - literally. That's daily, not excluding weekends and holidays. We don't only see each other when I'm in Gensan but still we communicate. My relationship with my other friends were kinda affected because I wasn't able to manage my time properly. I thought it was forever. I could not take him away from my system. He's part of my good morning and good night. We were so open and so close. Until one day I realize, even lovers need a holiday, far away from each other. 

I tried a test. I tried not to text him. I tried to take him away from my system. I tried to go to other place and not see him for days. I tried to date other guy. After the test, everything feels strange. I realized a lot. I learned that I can live without him. I can survive my day without texting him. I can even date other guy and still have fun. I was able to settle some friendship issues by the time I created space between us. I got more time for myself. I am more me! When I came back, I told him my activities while I was gone. I even told him I dated this guy and asked him if he was jealous. He answered he was jealous a bit. Hearing it brought only a very minimal impact to me. It was like I don't care anymore.

I don't know what contributed much to the sudden change. All I know is that a substantial part of me has changed. I don't like to reply. I'm tired of going out with him. I don't want him to visit. I don't even see him when he goes to our house, I only let my brother deal with him to ask him to go home because I'm asleep. All excuses were magically created to get rid of him. My father and everyone asked what happened. I was once VERY HAPPY.

Until now, I don't know how to answer that question. I don't even understand myself much. Sometimes I'm so harsh. Other times I'm so kind. Sometimes I try my best to understand, other times I closed my mind for any possibilities. 

There were other guys before and after him. But none of them made it to my heart. Some were able to reach the gate but weren't able to find the key to open it. My heart was in deep slumber. Afraid to take risks. Afraid for false hopes. Afraid to get hurt. Afraid to love again. Sometimes, I become unfair to different guys who seek for love. It was like there's always a pattern. We become friends. We become close. We become very very close. We become more than friends from the eyes of other people. He hopes for something else. I was too dumb to notice. He confesses. I feel awkward. I don't want him to get hurt. Eventually, closeness changes. Back to being friends...worse, strangers.

I don't know why I'm like this. When I know he's a player, then I'll be his perfect match. We'll play and whoever gets hurt loses. When I know he's very kind, now that's another story, I don't want him to get hurt. Better stay away before he gets hurt. But if he will fight for me then fine. Let's see how good you are as a fighter and how patient you are to deal with my weird personality. When I know he's no good at all, then let's remain friends. That's the best thing to do.

But lately, there is this guy who dared to get close. This is a brand new story. I sometimes laugh thinking how friendship evolved or even how it really started. Sooner, my friends keep on telling me that there's something different about the situation. Not normal they say. He's doing extra efforts which I don't know the reason behind. Well, my friends share some possible reasons but I don't take them into account. Every one could give flowers, chocolates, gifts and still mean nothing -- that is what I believed in. My friends exclaimed "Don't be insensitive!" I should not be manhid daw. But for me, I don't like the idea so I just ignore them. I don't want to reach a more than friends stage because that would be close to heartaches. I don't also want to assume anything especially he hasn't mentioned anything at all. I always believed that there should be both, words and action. "Because words without actions are empty and actions without words are confusing." By the time he went more visible about some of his actions (without words), I was a bit confused if what's going on. Until there came a time, he cleared things up. He cleared his intentions. He cleared everything. I was like o.O 

He confessed something. That he likes me. That he wants me to be his girlfriend. That he wants to level up. That I caught his eyes when he first saw me. That part I do not really believe which made me doubt everything that he said. I'm sorry but I'm not really someone who believes in those stories easily. I have gone to creating love stories and I think, those were just funny add ons to make confessions a little bit moving. I'm not really accusing him of lying...it's just that it's hard for me to believe.

I don't really know how I feel about him. I'm not sure about what I want. But prior to that, my friends, whom I was with everyday, say I'm more happy. I'm more smiling. I'm enthusiast every time he is the topic. I make extra efforts too. I spend not a normal time. I'm bias when it comes to him. I even defend him of his actions. Those were the things I just ignored. They just told me everything. So I tried to consider them that time of confession.

I asked him if what does he feel about me, it was clearly not love. I heard it with my own two ears. I was like -.- Okay. If it's not love then what is it. He said he just don't want to lie. He has a point. I cant afford to hear more lies too. He's so straight forward. That's impressive. But I'm surely not ready for what he wants. It's too soon for a NO and too soon for a YES. He said all he's asking was chance and he was willing to wait for me to answer. I don't know what to do. He's not bad. Sometimes, I even think he's too good to be true which is the reason I don't believe him sometimes. But I trust him naman. It's just like I'm still afraid to take huge risk like entering into a real relationship. So I thought of what else can I offer. I don't want to end our closeness but I also don't want to have the next chapter. Hehe

So to make the long "story behind" over, I offered him the "Trial Version" relationship. He's to sell himself to convince me to go for the premium version by the time comes. :) I really laughed after upon hearing him saying "Game!" Instantly. HAHAHA

I believe the primary reason why relationships have sad endings is that they failed to fight for their love. There are really times when romance are gone. Passion for each other decreases. Normally, love fails sometimes. But  I believe, it's not a reason to give up. 

Mr. Sixty, I know you won't still be able to read it anyway. But, I wish you could fight for me. Don't take NO for an answer. When love fails, you have to hold on. When I try to push you, I wish you could pull me back. Sometimes, I don't know what I'm doing and I tend to forgot what we once have. Please try to remind me how wonderful we are. Don't mind what I say. I may forget about this but please, fight for me.

And one thing, try to break my heart, and I'll break your brittle bones. XD