SOMETHING You Deserve To Know
So here's the thing. I don't want any lies and sugarcoating anymore. I want the truth and nothing but the truth.
Lately, I've been a bad girl. And I'm sorry for disappointing you, Bloomie. Something came up...it was wonderful. And then another thing followed...and it was devastating. I was so happy then I was super sad. I guess my wheel of life has this incredible speed of spinning. Up, down, up, down. Sometimes, it's sunshine, sometimes it's storm.
But here's the thing. I would like you to know this because you deserve to know this and I also don't wanna forget any of these although they bring sad thoughts because they are also full of learning.
I was shot. Right through my heart...well, not by cupid, but myself. It was like I carelessly threw my boomerang and I totally forgot about it and then one day it came back and hit me all of a sudden. Caught me off guard. Figuratively and literally.
It was painful. I was angry. I've done bad things. Crazy things. Stupid things. I've hurt a lot of people...including myself. And yes, it doesn't sound so good. It's really not. But then I guess it's time to accept everything that has happened because all of them has their own reason.
I believe...one of the reasons is for me to see and evaluate things...not just in my own perspective but as well as others. I know I've been so selfish for the past days, weeks, months or I dunno how long and it took me the hard way to understand things that are there but I wasn't able to see because I was blind. Someone told me "Manhid" was the right term.
It's not easy to accept that word but I guess it's true. Coz I learned that there are only two things which make you feel bad about what other people say to you:
1. Because it's not true.
2. Because it's true.
And the number two is worse than the other. But I understand. It's a Natural Law...from St. Thomas Aquinas' three inclinations of man number one: Self-preservation.
Whenever we hear things we don't wanna hear, we tend to automatically think of something that could defend us and protect us. And remember...it's automatic. We tend to fight back. Don't let ourselves down. Build strong walls. Throw bombs. Sometimes we overdo it and forget that some things aren't necessary. Sometimes, we just make the situation even worse. I learned that the hard way...not just once.
I'm not so sure if you got my point here...but bottomline is I'm sorry if I got carried away...let's just say by man's natural inclination number one? Haha. Forgive me. I'm just trying not to be so harsh.
You still don't get it do you? XD It's okay. I'm starting to get confused, too. Haha
Back to being serious.
Okay. I'm really serious right now but I'm running out of words. So I'll just start with that one night when everything fell into its places. Don't fight back. Let yourself down. Forget about the walls. Turn off all the bomb switches. Just use your heart and find that inner peace.
Step back. Listen. Understand. Care. Remember. Acknowledge. Apologize. Love if you must. Accept. Cherish. Never regret. Forgive. Learn. Let go. Smile. Move on. Live.
I fully know my mistakes now and I am sorry. I caused myself pain. So I guess I also have to forgive myself and hope for the best.
To everyone who had been there for me always and plans to stay, THANK YOU! With all my heart...if only I can hug you one by one. :) But no, I won't do that...coz that might cause another trouble. Haha (part of my learning)
To everyone who had been hurt by my words and actions consciously or not, including those who hoped for something else (though I didn't really intended to...Hello!?), and those I took for granted because I was so busy with my issues, I'M SORRY!super duper this time. These people know who they are so please imagine I'm giving each one of you a white rose. I'm asking for forgiveness...hey, please don't be so hard on me. Hehe. I may sound playful but know that I am serious. So may all of you find that space in your heart to forgive me.
I'm not saying that everything's change now. But I admit there are really changes...significant changes to be more specific.
Everything will be great, soon. I'm sure of that.
So to end this drama, lemme tell you...
I'm HAPPY now.
And that's SOMETHING You Deserve To Know.
XOXO
Hara
Comments
Matagal tagal na rin mula nang isulat ko ang Part 1 nito. At dahil nga napangakuan ko kayo na magbibigay ako ng updates, eto na nga yun. Sa oras na ito, kami ay opisyal na mag-on pa rin. Akalain nyo yun? Tumagal kami ng (TENTERENENTENEN!) 11 months. Woooooh! And few days to go we'll be on our first year. Last sulat ko dito 3 months pa lang yun. Tingnan nyo naman ngayon, nakatagal pa ako. At syempre, siguradong madami akong inihandang chika sa inyo :)
Madaming struggle din ang naranasan ko syempre. I got a teleserye life. Never ko naman maimagine na madadaanan ko ang ganitong klaseng mga problema. Alam ko naman may bitch in every relationship. Hindi ko lang talaga inexpect siguro. Ang bitch pa talaga ay sobrang ganda. Yung tipong di ko mapapantayan at mapapasabi akong may karapatan syang maging bitch. HAHA.
So ano nangyari? Well, no communications kase nga he erased my number and i got my pride, edi wag! Maghanap ka ng paraan mo makontak ako ulit. And he contacted me nga ulit, then we were on again. Just like that i can forgive him. Love nge nemen oh! Tanga lang :/ So the problem is hindi pa rin kami friends sa fb. Bati na kami pero di nya ako in-add ulit. Ayoko din na ako mag add oy. Happy sya eh! Anyways may mga mata naman ako eh. And that mata happened to be si Ex gf. HAHA. She is the one nag chika sakin na gelpren pala ulit nya si bitch. Tapos may pa bigay2 pa ng stuff toy! Woooooow. Kaya naman pala eh. Great pretender talaga. so i told him na alam ko and i wanted break-up but he said no. Naks! Kapal ng fes maka no din eh. Wag ko lang daw sya iwan, makipag break na sya doon. Weh? Talaga lang ha? So i said okay, text me na lang kung break na kayo and dun lang kami magkakaayos. Sinunod naman nya. Then it we're ok again.
Then came again another problem. Two consecutive nights nya akong TINULUGAN DAW. And i know something's fishy. Alas otso pa lang tulog ka na agad? WEEEEEEH? Hanggang sa nalaman ko na naman na sila na namn ulit ni bitch. Sya pa ang nagsabi na magdate daw sila bukas. Wow naman. Ginagawang tanga lang ako dito porket di friends sa fb? Sorry ka na lang madami akong mata. Then i confronted him again. Sabi nya umiyak daw kasi sa harapan yung girl kaya naging sila ulit. Tapos panu naman ako pre? Unfair naman yung di mo nakikita mga paghihirap ko sayo no? Reasons! And dinagdagan nya pa talaga galit ko, he said na may nangyari daw sa kanila. K. My world crashed. Char lang. Eto na yung sinabi kong nakakateleserye lang tologo. Haha.
At yun nga, tinext ko sya Monday ng hapon. At sya pa ang galit sakin. Sinisi nya ako nalanta lang daw yung rose. Pinagmukha ko daw syang tanga sa SM. Bakit? Alam ko pala na andun sya gahintay? Eh wala ngang text diba? Like duh! At ayun naging away lang na dapat sana makikipagbati ako sa kanya. Kinagabihan naglambing na man sya. Miss nya na daw ako. Sana daw mapatawad ko na sya. Hmmmm. Well, dahil mapride ako, di pa rin ako pumayag. But i made him wait. I said if he's willing to wait hanggang maging ready na ako ulit, then ok kami ulit. Di din kasi biro ang sakit na nafeel ko. And guess what! Medyo na shock ako. Game syang maghintay. Di ko inakla yun kasi hindi sya sanay na pahintayin. Ako lang ata makapal ang mukha nagpaganyan sa kanya. HAHA. HABA NG HAIR. Pero dahil mahal nya daw talaga ako at naiintindihan nya kung bakit ako naging ganito, maghihintay daw sya hanggang maka move on ako. So from that, hindi kami pero sweet pa rin kami sa isa't isa. Nagseselosan pa rin kami at tinuturing na parang kami pa rin. Medyo masaya ako sa ganitong set-up. Mas sweet sya sakin tsaka inaalagaan nya talaga reputasyon at maingat sa galaw. Takot magkamali ulit. Naappreciate ko baya lahat. Lalo na paghihintay nya. parang araw2 binibiro nya ako na sana maging kami ulit. Never kami nag-away tsaka naging natural ako sa kanya. Sobrang saya.