Death Wish 00

So, first question...how would you like to die?

For me, that's easy to answer...I've always wanted to die as a hero. Or maybe it sounds a little too much...I'd like to die in a way of saving someone else's life...like a family or a loved one...like I'd take a bullet for her/him...that's really my favorite of all the saving someone scenes.

So, second question...have you ever thought when will you be dying?

Honestly speaking, I've always thought of dying young and beautiful...not because I hate my life, I love my life so much...but because I don't wanna witness the rupture and persecution when the time comes. Geez, so biblical of me.

Truth is, I'm afraid this is just part of having a hypochondria...that's why I'm this all weird when it comes to death.

But when you think about it, death is where we're all gonna end. It's just a matter of time. As I grew up, I learned not to fear death...but I fear dying without saying goodbye.

So, first five of my gazzilion death wishes...

1. Please make me wear a sunflower dress in my coffin.

2. Please donate all organs possible but I'm begging you, make me pretty for the last time. I don't wanna look like I lost all my organs when someone looks at me.

3. Please have my friends smile during the picture taking because I want them to be happy. I never wanted them to be sad.

4. Please plant a huge tree near my grave and take care of it until it gets really really big. For sure it will be strong because it will turn out to be an enchanted one, then build a tree house on it. So that means it's your initiative to look for a seedling which will grow strong and sturdy someday perfect for a tree house.

5. To my kids, say nice things about me to your kids.

Upon getting my CPA degree, I would have been ready to die. Yeah, that's how selfish I am. It's not that such degree is everything but it really means a clap clap for me. 

What I mean is...I'm fine. I experienced selfless love from my parents, unexpected support from my siblings, happiness from my friends, romance that I deserve from my lover, attention from my folks, and many more. I already made my parents proud since I was young...and I continued doing such every year with my academic and extra-curricular achievements. I already fulfilled being the "amazing daughter" but not the very kind one...you see, I've always been the stubborn one.

As of my friends and colleagues, I've always tried my best to be the inspiring and positive one...I guess I was successful on that...applicable to my close ones only. So what else?

That time, I've always wanted a baby because it would I guess fulfill my ultimate purpose...as a human, to procreate, and as a woman, to be a mother. But if it would be God's will not to give me such, I'd gladly accept...then the bitter and selfish one comes forward. It would be alright not to have a baby because I don't want her/him to live in this corrupted world anyway. If only I can start a family in heaven I would...to escape from this harsh world and let my kids grow up in paradise.

There I was...the young, fresh, almost-innocent, free-spirited, bright girl reaches 21 and forced to face  and to deal with the real world a.k.a. a world full of fucked up grown ups.

It's really a shame I have to grow up...struggling each day to avoid growing as effed up as them...yes, you already know who I meant...those people who think they can bring their filthy empire to their grave.

Maybe that's why I'm fine dying when I reached 21...actually I was welcoming it during my twenties.

But things changed.

Now I have a very valid reason to live and try to not screw things over.

To be continued...